HIALEAH, FL—Despite ready access to an almost inexhaustible archive of exceptional movies, television shows, and print literature, local dad Brett Colston declared Friday that his favorite piece of media was a commercial from 2005. “I’m not sure if it was a Super Bowl ad originally, but you guys have to see it if I can […]

The post Dad’s Favorite Piece Of Media Still Commercial From 2005 appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Amid shocking materials that include a photo in which the word ‘HELP’ has been spelled out with rocks, seaweed, and several stuffed animals, a newly released tranche of Epstein files revealed Friday that Deepak Chopra was still lost on the private island of Little St. James. “From what we can gather, Chopra has been deliriously wandering the now largely […]

The post Epstein Files Reveal Deepak Chopra Still Lost On Little St. James appeared first on The Onion.

COLUMBUS, OH—Speaking with an unflagging sense of hope despite the long, challenging road ahead of him, prosthetic hand recipient James Bratton told reporters Friday he was slowly learning to lick barbecue sauce off his fingers again. “I’m still getting the hang of moving my sauce-covered hand to my extended tongue, but once I struggled past […]

The post Prosthetic Hand Recipient Slowly Relearning To Lick Barbecue Sauce Off Fingers appeared first on The Onion.

Jelly Roll, the artist behind songs “Son Of A Sinner” and “Save Me,” has announced a 2026 tour. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the singer. Birthplace: Walmart bathroom Legal Name: Davidson County Inmate No. 248323 Genre: Country for people who don’t like music Easily Identifiable By: Tattoo-shaped birthmarks on face Common […]

The post Artist Profile: Jelly Roll appeared first on The Onion.

The post No One At Combine Sure Who Told Prospects To Walk With Water Balloon Between Knees appeared first on The Onion.