CHICAGO—Kicking himself as the condiment splattered all over his pristine meal, local man Scott Wilkinson reportedly expressed frustration Thursday after getting mustard on his brand-new hot dog. “Son of a bitch, I just got this hot dog—how is it covered in mustard already?” said Wilkinson, dabbing the recently purchased frankfurter with a napkin and explaining that […]

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NEW YORK—Sharing new details about The Life Of A Showgirl, pop superstar Taylor Swift revealed Monday that she wrote the forthcoming album while boyfriend Travis Kelce watched Family Guy in the background. “From the first song to the last, he was there for the entire process, sprawled out on the couch with his mouth agape and his arm […]

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Weapons, a new horror film from the director of Barbarian, topped the box office on its opening weekend. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the movie.  Q. Why is the film called Weapons? A. The title Where Did The Kids Go? Find Out, Josh Brolin! didn’t test well.  Q: Is it scary? […]

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Yasmine Polk, 56, passed over the rainbow bridge last Friday, becoming the first non-pet to do so.

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WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on the widespread dissemination of misinformation, the Pew Research Center released a new poll Friday that found the majority of Americans still believe the greatest threat to public health is the Undertaker. “More than 85% of U.S. adults stated they were ‘extremely concerned’ about the negative health impact the Deadman could have […]

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