The post Wax On, Vax Off appeared first on The Onion.

A new Gallup poll found that only 54% of U.S. adults report drinking alcohol, a record low as growing health concerns and skepticism about moderate drinking drive the decline. What do you think?

The post U.S. Alcohol Consumption Falls To Record Low appeared first on The Onion.

PITTSBURGH—Detailing the harmful, long-term effects of early exposure to the ball club’s dismal on-field product, parents and child safety organizations denounced the Pittsburgh Pirates Monday for directly marketing the team to children. “It is deeply irresponsible to lure kids into becoming Pirates fans before they’re emotionally equipped to handle the kind of disappointment and chronic […]

The post Pirates Under Fire For Directly Marketing Team To Children appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—Sharing new details about The Life Of A Showgirl, pop superstar Taylor Swift revealed Monday that she wrote the forthcoming album while boyfriend Travis Kelce watched Family Guy in the background. “From the first song to the last, he was there for the entire process, sprawled out on the couch with his mouth agape and his arm […]

The post Taylor Swift Details Writing New Album With Travis Kelce Watching ‘Family Guy’ In Background appeared first on The Onion.

A bit of cancer is a small price to pay for this charming bungalow in the 500-mile exclusion zone surrounding the site of a catastrophic nuclear meltdown. Reference #867530

The post What’s A Little Cesium-134? appeared first on The Onion.