ITHACA, NY—In a groundbreaking study published in the journal Animal Behaviour, researchers at Cornell University revealed Monday that elephants are the only known nonhuman species capable of leveraging synergies across a diversified brand portfolio. “Conventional wisdom has long held that leveraging omnibrand fluidity to unlock cross-platform capital efficiencies was a behavior unique to humans, but […]

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WASHINGTON—Taking offense that European leaders had, in his view, disrespected the White House by showing up inadequately dressed to Monday’s closely watched Oval Office meeting with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, President Donald Trump reportedly fumed that not a single one of them had arrived in lederhosen and a tiny feathered hat. “It’s rude and, frankly, […]

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A group of cottontail rabbits in Fort Collins have developed tentacle-like growths caused by a virus, which authorities say pose no threat to other animals or humans. What do you think?

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The post Trump Negotiates With Zelensky Exclusively Through Pointing appeared first on The Onion.

The White House has announced they will be reviewing all exhibits at the Smithsonian Institution in order “to assess tone, historical framing, and alignment with American ideals.” Here is a selection of the changes President Trump is demanding be implemented immediately. New wing about the Cola wars Plaques updated to confirm that wooly mammoths were […]

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