WASHINGTON—Praising the process as yet another miracle of biology that modern medicine chooses to ignore, a gray-lipped Robert F. Kennedy Jr. spoke at a press conference Wednesday during which he touted the body’s natural ability to transmute lead into gold. “The human body is able to do some incredible things if you consume enough lead,” […]

The post Gray-Lipped RFK Jr. Touts Body’s Natural Ability To Transmute Lead Into Gold appeared first on The Onion.

AUSTIN, TX—Noting that he’d already claimed to be sick, at a dentist appointment, and tied up with an unexpected 9 p.m. football practice, University of Texas quarterback Arch Manning confirmed Tuesday that he was quickly running out of polite, semi-plausible excuses to avoid mentorship from his uncle Eli. “He means well, and I don’t want […]

The post Arch Manning Running Out Of Polite Ways To Decline Eli’s Mentorship appeared first on The Onion.

The new report revealed that thousands of uncontacted Indigenous peoples around the world are facing increasing dangers, such as contact by missionaries, miners, criminal gangs, and social media influencers spreading diseases and clearing forests, that could wipe out as many as half in 10 years. What do you think?

The post Report: Half Of All Uncontacted People Could Be Wiped Out In Next Decade appeared first on The Onion.

SAN BRUNO, CA—Expressing surprise and delight at the notion that gals could also shred, dozens of YouTube users who stumbled upon the Mousers’ cover of Bikini Kill’s “Rebel Girl” revealed Wednesday that they were astounded to learn chicks were able to rock too. “Wow, it turns out that ladies can play some pretty heavy riffs,” […]

The post YouTube Comment Section Astounded To Learn Chicks Can Rock Too appeared first on The Onion.

The post Low Papapproval Ratings appeared first on The Onion.