The Department of Homeland Security has been carrying out “Operation Midway Blitz” since early September. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the Chicago immigration raids.  $50,000: Sufficient incentive to treat fellow human beings this way 260: Agents with Celtic knot tattoos 8: Pitch sessions before they finally landed on “Operation Midway Blitz” […]

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DES MOINES, IOWA—Revealing that his fascination began practically as soon as he could crawl behind the television, local IT specialist Josh Tannenbaum told reporters Thursday that he’s had an affinity for cords from a very young age. “For as long as I can remember, I always knew I wanted to plug and unplug a variety […]

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Cameroon elected 92-year-old Paul Biya as its president, making him the world’s oldest, amid deadly street protests and claims of widespread election fraud. What do you think?

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CLEVELAND—Revealing a vast, forgotten catalog of legitimate pop compositions, a report released Thursday about novelty musical act Michael Joseph Jackson found that the man who recorded the perennial Halloween classic “Thriller” also had a bunch of non-Halloween music. “Jackson is, of course, exclusively known for his haunted hit ‘Thriller’ and singing spooky lyrics like ‘No […]

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WASHINGTON—In an effort to manage the American people’s expectations, officials at the National Association for Business Economics announced Wednesday that they hoped your heart wasn’t set on a house. “We’re not saying it’s impossible—we’re just saying you might want to consider keeping your options open,” said Jeffrey Birney, an economics professor at Georgetown University, who […]

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