WASHINGTON—After entering a school cafeteria in D.C. and wrenching a brown paper bag from the hands of a small child, U.S. senators and representatives taunted a 7-year-old student and played keep-away with his lunch, sources reported Tuesday. The sack lunch, which belonged to Stanton Elementary second grader Lucas Henderson and is said to have contained […]

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WASHINGTON—Claiming that 100% of users experienced dangerous side effects as a result of wearing the contraceptive device, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly paused an amorous moment Thursday to issue a dire warning to his mistress about condoms causing autism. “All of the increased cases of autism over the last decade can be traced to condom usage—at […]

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Come on, look at how cool this tower thingy is. Imagine sitting in a little circular room like that. So cool. Reference #56727

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FOXBOROUGH, MA—In an effort to promote a safer environment at Gillette Stadium, the New England Patriots announced Wednesday that they would stop serving alcohol to players after the third quarter. “We have unfortunately heard more than a few complaints about our players’ rowdy and aggressive behavior,” said Patriots spokesperson Aaron Kozachik, who stressed that while […]

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