SÃO PAULO—In an effort to rectify the misunderstanding between the young girl, the girls’ parents, and herself, pop star Chappell Roan kidnapped the 11-year-old fan who was upset by a security guard while in São Paulo to attend Lollapalooza Brasil, sources reported Monday. “People think I hate children, but that’s not true—in fact, I love […]

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WASHINGTON—Declaring that the United States would no longer bear the full burden of screwing the pooch on a global level, President Donald Trump issued a statement Monday demanding U.S. allies do their fair share to help fuck up the world. “The United States contributes far more to worldwide suffering than any of our so-called ‘allies’ […]

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ATLANTA—Hoping to provide clarity to consumers about their company’s food production standards, Chick-fil-A officials announced Monday that the two halves of each bun served in their restaurants must  be married before becoming a sandwich. “In accordance with Chick-fil-A’s values, the bread used in all our sandwiches—from the jalapeño ranch club to our original classic chicken—are […]

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Markwayne Mullin has been nominated to succeed Kristi Noem as the secretary of homeland security. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the senator from Oklahoma. Ethnicity: Brother-in-Law Raised By: Momwayne, Dadwayne Known For: Being forcibly dragged off your flight Humanizing Quality: Hates Rand Paul Dream Job: special envoy for the Shield of […]

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Spotting the big brown eyes that peeped out from a shelf of stuffed animal toys, a traveler browsing in a Tasmanian airport gift shop discovered a real Australian brushtail possum nestled among the plush marsupials. What do you think?

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