The two tied the knot after four years of dating and three years of Jarrett carefully excavating every slice of cake she received to look for a ring.

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WASHINGTON—Stating that he hoped action in the region would draw to a close in the coming weeks, President Donald Trump made comments Wednesday indicating his desire for a speedy end to the entire world. “We’re getting very close to meeting our objectives as we move toward winding down humanity’s presence on planet Earth,” Trump said during […]

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Unjected, a dating app for unvaccinated people that began in 2021, has been gaining popularity, currently boasting 65,000 active users. What do you think?

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DAYTON, OH—Expressing disappointment with what she described as unfulfilled campaign promises, local Make America Healthy Again voter Sandra Murrow told reporters Tuesday that she felt betrayed by the continued survival of her own children. “I voted for Trump because I was sure RFK Jr.’s health policies would put my son and daughter in the dirt on […]

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More Americans than ever are choosing to watch movies at home rather than going out to the theater. The Onion lays out the drawbacks and benefits of both experiences. Concessions: Streaming:  790 calories of stale crackers, spoonfuls of peanut butter, and shredded cheese. Theaters: 790 calories of whatever 16-year-old theater employee didn’t confiscate.  Size Of Vin Diesel’s […]

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