SILVER SPRING, MD—Issuing a public warning for Americans to watch or they might miss out, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration reportedly recalled three navel oranges Wednesday to prove that they could juggle. “Toss ’em here,” said spokesperson John Lavietes, adding that American consumers who had recently purchased navel, Valencia, or blood oranges should not […]

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WASHINGTON—Highlighting a growing wealth gap nationwide, the Pew Research Center published a report Wednesday that revealed the average American’s plan for retirement now involves Richard Gere falling for them after paying for sex. “Our findings suggest that the vast majority of people are now hinging their retirement on Mr. Gere spotting them on the street, […]

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Cold plunges, also known as ice baths, are an increasingly popular wellness trend. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding cold plunges.  MYTH: Cold plunges are only for celebrities and athletes. FACT: They’re also for people easily influenced by them. MYTH: People with heart conditions should avoid cold plunges. FACT: People who hate cold […]

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Windows will no longer display the operating system’s infamous “blue screen of death” when something goes wrong, removing the signature frowning face that accompanied the crash notice in favor of a shorter message and plain black screen. What do you think?

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