LOS ANGELES—Attributing her behavior to insecurity about the government, local woman Kirsten Sears told reporters Monday that she did not like eating in front of the surveillance state. “I try to remember the government is more interested in my ideology than my macronutrients, but still, every time, I get so embarrassed,” said Sears, who explained […]

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CANYON LAKE, TX—Remarking that the 3-year-old didn’t even come close to stealing the show at a recent family wedding, witnesses reported Monday that they were unimpressed when a completely charmless flower girl walked directly down the aisle. “Sure, she did her job, but she utterly failed to delight us with any adorable toddling, spinning, or […]

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Researchers in China claim that swarms of medical nano-robots the size of a speck of dust could someday be used to clean out infected human sinuses after successfully testing the technology in the nasal cavities of animals. What do you think?

The post Study Finds Tiny Nose Robots Can Be Used To Clean Sinuses appeared first on The Onion.

SAN DIEGO—Following a surprise restaurant raid Friday in which dozens of employees were taken into custody, witnesses reported that on top of everything else, the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents responsible for the violent arrests had the gall to leave a negative review. “It takes a lot of nerve to complain about slow service after […]

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New Zealand singer-songwriter Lorde has released Virgin, her fourth studio album. The Onion sat down with the artist to discuss identity, inspiration, and what’s next. The Onion: How has your music evolved as you’ve gotten older? Lorde: When I was younger I was really intimidated by the black keys on the piano, but now I […]

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