WASHINGTON—Whimpering at the butter knife clutched in his brother’s hand, a wincing Donald Trump Jr. reportedly shouted “Do it!” Wednesday as he and Eric Trump prepared to cut off their hair to avoid a U.S. military draft. “Come on, Eric, do it quick, before I change my mind,” said Donald Jr., who squeezed his eyes […]

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You bring a bunch of kittens into this world, you gotta do what’s right.

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The 98th Academy Awards will take place March 15 at the Dolby Theater. The Onion examines the 10 contenders in this year’s Best Picture race.  Bugonia Synopsis: A conspiracy theorist attempts to uncover a CEO’s sinister plot that is oddly devoid of pedophiles. Defining Line: “Prepare to be bald, idiot!” Prospects: Slim, but they said […]

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James Talarico is the Democratic nominee for U.S. Senate in Texas. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the rising star.  Age: Whippersnapper Inspirational Backstory: Survived several hours talking to Joe Rogan Religion: Oh yeah, lots of that Key Endorsements: God (Presbyterian), God (Catholic), God (Jewish), and God (Sikh)   Level On Grant-Rogers Folksiness […]

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