WASHINGTON—Saying that despite recent events, it would do everything in its power to continue obscuring the truth, The Washington Post published an editorial Thursday defending the FBI’s recent raid on its reporter. “As journalists, we stand united behind the U.S. government’s decision to investigate our colleague Hannah Natanson, search her home, and seize several of her […]

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STARBASE, TX—Claiming that his relationship with the nation’s adults had been ‘irreparably’ damaged by their recent comments in support of the trans community, Elon Musk announced Thursday that he had filed for full custody of all U.S. children. “I will be filing for full custody today, given that every American parent supports the transition of infants,” Musk wrote […]

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Gregory Bovino is “commander at large” of the U.S. Border Patrol’s mass deportation efforts. The Onion takes a look at Bovino’s background. Political Beliefs: Fiscally conservative, socially National Socialist Leadership Style: Spittle-forward Motto: “Shoot first, dodge questions later.” Nostrils: Tactical grade Greatest Fear: HD video Hairstyle: Never a good sign High School Superlative: Least Hidden […]

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A new study published in the journal Science found that exceptionally smart dogs can learn the names of objects simply by overhearing human conversations and extracting meaning from social cues, showing word-learning abilities similar to toddlers. What do you think?

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WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA—In an attempt to curb impulsive purchases made in periods of deep emotional distress, music store chain Guitar Center announced Thursday that it had instituted a 72-hour waiting period for all customers. “Owning a guitar is a huge responsibility, and the last thing we want is for these instruments to fall into the wrong […]

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