KERRVILLE, TX—Promising grieving Texans he would do everything in his power to make things right in the wake of last week’s deadly floods, Sen. Ted Cruz assured his constituents Wednesday that he was working tirelessly to get the rest of his Greek vacation refunded. “I have spent countless hours on the phone persuading Capital One […]

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WASHINGTON—Casting doubts on the agency’s recently released review of the late financier and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi held a press conference Wednesday to ask what the Department of Justice was hiding. “The department’s memo claims there was no client list and Epstein died by suicide—that’s very suspicious, don’t you think?” […]

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AUSTIN, TX—Realizing that every uterus had already been conquered, Tesla CEO Elon Musk reportedly wept Wednesday, for there were no more women for him to impregnate. “I have sown the many fields with my seed and reaped a bountiful harvest, yet now there are no new vessels to bear my fruit,” said Musk, who gazed […]

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