BUFFALO, NY—Giving thanks for the hospitality shown to him and his family throughout his tenure with the team, recently terminated Buffalo Bills head coach Sean McDermott reportedly expressed his gratitude Monday to the people, if you want to use that term, of Buffalo. “For the past nine years, the people—and of course I use that […]

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President Donald Trump signed the charter for his “Board of Peace” Thursday, establishing himself as presiding chairman of a new international body aimed at resolving global conflicts. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the organization. Q: What is the board’s stated aim? A: To finally end the impending threat of global cooperation. […]

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Ryan Coogler’s Southern Gothic vampire period piece Sinners received 16 Academy Award nominations, surpassing the previous record of 14 nominations held by All About Eve, Titanic, and La La Land. What do you think?

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OVERLAND PARK, KS—Expressing frustration that his efforts to be accommodating continue to go unappreciated, area man Thomas Kemps confirmed Monday that nothing is ever good enough for the woman he has been holding captive in his basement for the past 39 days. “I give and I give, and what do I get in return? Not a single genuine thank-you,” […]

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