ZANESVILLE, OH—Noting that her stink had begun clinging to furniture, clothes, and anyone who hugged her for more than a couple of seconds, family members of local grandmother Phyllis Hargrave confirmed Thursday that they had set the 89-year-old on a lawn chair in the yard to air her out. “Yeah, Granny was starting to reek, so […]

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LOS ANGELES—After working more than 11 years at a local family-owned Italian restaurant, actress Emma Stone confirmed Monday she was finally quitting her job waiting tables. “I’m a little nervous—you know, nothing is ever guaranteed in show business—but my fingers are crossed that everything works out for the best,” said the 37-year-old Stone, who told reporters […]

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NEW YORK—Just a few years after Major League Baseball introduced sweeping pace-of-play reforms intended to make the sport more compelling, a stressed-out nation confirmed Thursday that baseball games had now become much too fast. “Jesus Christ, everything’s happening so fast I can’t even keep track of it—let us catch our breath!” Reds fan Aaron Cartwright said […]

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The FBI announced charges alleging that a sophisticated network of drones were used to deliver weapons, cell phones, and drugs into 10 federal prisons. What do you think?

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CHICAGO—Stunning longtime fans with its climactic conclusion, FX series The Bear reportedly ended Friday with a continuous 45-minute shot of protagonist Carmy screaming while stirring tomato sauce. “After so many tense scenes and multifaceted characters, I’m glad we could provide the perfect finale to this show that I know the fans will love,” said star […]

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