THE HEAVENS—Expressing His confusion as to how their true calling continued to elude them, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father, was reportedly wondering Wednesday when humans would realize that the major purpose of life was to continually masturbate. “It feels good and the parts to do it are attached to your body—how much simpler […]

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SIOUX CITY, IA—Making the dire prediction shortly after being terminated for substandard work, marketing analyst Ryan Bronson, who was laid off solely for performance-related reasons Wednesday, warned that artificial intelligence was coming for everyone. “Yup, the way things are going, not a single one of us is safe from the threat of AI replacing us,” […]

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LOS ANGELES—Confirming the rest of the industry had been brought to a virtual standstill, sources reported Wednesday that all upcoming films had been canceled after every living actor was called back to the Avengers: Doomsday set for reshoots. “They’ve called every member of SAG-AFTRA back to set—it’s a complete disaster,” said an anonymous studio executive, […]

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Gallup will stop tracking presidential job approval ratings after 88 years, saying the decision reflects “an evolution in how Gallup focuses its public research and thought leadership.” What do you think?

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LIVIGNO, ITALY—In what has become the central focus of his primetime broadcasts night after night, NBC sportscaster Mike Tirico has devoted huge swaths of Winter Games coverage this week to demanding answers from Olympic athletes about what happens to their old drug-test urine. “Madison, Evan, everyone’s talking about the judging controversy that cost you gold, […]

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