WASHINGTON—Hailing the Midwestern school as one of the best places to pursue and then abandon an undergraduate education, U.S. News & World Report announced Thursday that it had selected the University of Toledo as the best college to attend for a semester before dropping out to do hair for a living. “For students who take […]

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U.S. Circuit Judge Pauline Newman, the oldest active federal judge at 98 years old, asked the Supreme Court to step in after being suspended by colleagues over concerns about her mental acuity. What do you think?

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MILWAUKEE—Dashing his hopes of taking on the new opportunity, local job applicant Mark McCarthy was reportedly informed by email Wednesday that the role of pig boy had already been filled. “While we appreciate your obvious skill at eating up slop and rolling around in the mud on your fat, pink belly, we have moved forward […]

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THE HEAVENS—Expressing frustration with the sky-rise apartment complex going up right outside His celestial home, God Almighty, Supreme Leader of the Universe, confirmed Wednesday that He was angry about the new construction blocking His view of creation. “I worked hard to have a Heavenly Kingdom from which I can gaze down upon all the beasts […]

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While leading OpenAI, Sam Altman has weathered leaked internal memos, an attempt to oust him as CEO, and widespread skepticism about artificial intelligence’s role in society. The Onion sat down with the entrepreneur to hear his vision for the technology’s future. The Onion: Good morning, Sam. How are you doing today?Altman: Certainly! Here are some […]

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