Love Island USA is in the midst of its seventh season. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the reality dating series. Q: What are the couples competing for? A: The forever-out-of-reach approval of a distant or absent authority figure. Q: What happens to contestants who get eliminated? A: They are chemically castrated. […]

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WOODBINE, NJ—Saying the man’s behavior and temperament had helped him excel in a difficult environment, sources confirmed Thursday that every trait disqualifying ICE agent Jake Clements from previous jobs had made him ideal for his current role. Several reports indicated the 29-year-old high school graduate, who had been dismissed from numerous past positions in food service […]

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Firefighters had to rescue a man who got stuck in the chimney of a Connecticut parks building while attempting to retrieve his dog from a bathroom when the doors automatically locked for the night. What do you think?

The post Man Gets Stuck In Chimney While Trying To Rescue Dog Trapped In Building appeared first on The Onion.

Jeff Bezos, Amazon founder and the world’s second richest man, wed his fiancé Lauren Sanchez in a lavish, multi-day ceremony this week in Venice, Italy. The Onion examines the facts and figures behind the event. 4,976: Number of Amazon fulfillment center workers who fainted on the job to make this possible 25: Yacht pileup in […]

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