NEW YORK—Shaking a logo-emblazoned cap enticingly over his head, a defense attorney for Sean “Diddy” Combs’ reportedly tossed jurors Cîroc-branded swag during closing statements Thursday in the 55-year-old music mogul’s racketeering and sex-trafficking trial. “All right, who wants a free towel?” lawyer Marc Agnifilo said as the men and women of the jury immediately clamored […]

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Love Island USA is in the midst of its seventh season. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the reality dating series. Q: What are the couples competing for? A: The forever-out-of-reach approval of a distant or absent authority figure. Q: What happens to contestants who get eliminated? A: They are chemically castrated. […]

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WOODBINE, NJ—Saying the man’s behavior and temperament had helped him excel in a difficult environment, sources confirmed Thursday that every trait disqualifying ICE agent Jake Clements from previous jobs had made him ideal for his current role. Several reports indicated the 29-year-old high school graduate, who had been dismissed from numerous past positions in food service […]

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The post Critics Praise Benson Boone Album As Finite appeared first on The Onion.

Firefighters had to rescue a man who got stuck in the chimney of a Connecticut parks building while attempting to retrieve his dog from a bathroom when the doors automatically locked for the night. What do you think?

The post Man Gets Stuck In Chimney While Trying To Rescue Dog Trapped In Building appeared first on The Onion.