NEW YORK—Pulling the plug on the religion in light of a newly released video featuring church member Taylor Frankie Paul, ABC announced Friday it was canceling Mormonism. “After reviewing this disturbing footage, we have made the decision not to move forward with the Mormon faith,” read a statement from parent company Disney Entertainment Television that […]

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WASHINGTON—Determined to help their father bring down high prices by single-handedly boosting the nation’s fuel supply, a dirt-covered Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly attempted Friday to siphon gasoline from the ground. “I’m gonna slurp some gas out of this hole, and then while I’m spitting the gas into the bucket, you slurp up […]

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Gas prices are soaring, with the price of crude oil rising above $119 per barrel at one point Thursday. The Onion shares tips for saving money at the pump. Remove unnecessary weight from your vehicle, such as airbags, doors, and bumpers. Driving in reverse uses less gas, probably. Limit braking to weekends. Make a tank […]

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MILPITAS, CA—After gradually resigning himself to an evening entirely devoid of physical intimacy, local man Seth Martin observed Friday that his third date with Hinge match Laura Parker was apparently just going to be watching Amélie without any hugs or kisses. “We’re an hour into the movie and Laura hasn’t so much as held my […]

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