The post Mourners Unaware They Burying Knockoff Giorgio Armani appeared first on The Onion.

HAMPTON, NH—Stressing its commitment to making everyone feel welcome regardless of athletic ability, national gym franchise Planet Fitness instituted a new policy Thursday that bans proper form. “We don’t want new gym-goers to feel intimidated by people doing squats correctly, so from now on, members will be penalized when they lift with their legs instead […]

The post Planet Fitness Bans Proper Form appeared first on The Onion.

The post Mailman Too Old To Be Out There appeared first on The Onion.

DEDHAM, MA—Remarking that the adolescent had undergone some pronounced developmental changes during the course of his vacation, middle school sources reported Tuesday that eighth grader Ryan Alcorn’s voice had dropped six octaves over the summer. According to eyewitnesses present in Mrs. Jeterson’s homeroom, Alcorn opened his mouth during classroom introductions to reveal that the high-pitched […]

The post 8th Grader’s Voice Drops 6 Octaves Over Summer appeared first on The Onion.

BALTIMORE—Identifying a disturbing behavioral trend likely to have profound health consequences, a study published Wednesday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that ultra-processed foods made up over 50% of Americans’ thoughts. “We surveyed more than 20,000 participants across the country, and the data showed they primarily think about sausages, spicy chicken nuggets, and cream-filled […]

The post Study Finds Ultra-Processed Foods Make Up Over 50% Of Americans’ Thoughts appeared first on The Onion.